Worries

Perhaps that revival post came at just the right moment.

It is that time of year again, where it draws closer to when I have to do my annual check up test. And as usual, I'm trying to pack too much in, trying to live as much as possible, because despite my best efforts to be positive, I'm wondering when someone will tell me that I can't.

Today I am exhausted. There are essay deadlines, internship work, professional work, travel plans, financial concerns, a confusing personal life and a never-ending social life. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and find it hard to believe that the person looking back at me is the same person with such a different face two years ago. Asha is right. I have hair now, and my concerns are about how I should wear it or whether I should cut it. How easily I have failed in my resolve to simply be grateful for the fact that it grew back!

So now I take another deep breath; and hope that morning will bring a day that is calmer, filled with less worry and more peace.

Out of the woodwork

I haven't forgotten this blog, why we started it, how it got going...and how I stopped writing. This is 2010 and we have no entry for this year, so I thought I should write. Yes, yes, all those "shoulds", they do come in handy at such times. I am splendid at cocooning myself, so people like me need those "shoulds".

PV now has hair: she has to think about it now. Shall I go short or long or go for the fringe? So that's the other story. PV is now studying international relations in God's Own Country, U.K., a melting pot of cultures that refuse to cook together, so you couldn't be in a better place to see, think and get to know other worlds.

I will meet u p with PV this December in Goa where there is a special family event. I am already looking forward to this.

As I write, I do want to say that one suffering ends and some where else another kind of suffering begins. Our mother passed away last month. PV's mom is in a wheel chair as her tendons and ligaments heal. Being part of all this is what life is all about. Call them little things if you feel like it.

Story Telling

After disappearing from the blog for ever, I decided to reappear. I guess I don't quite like to close the chapter as I do believe in stories that go on. I came across this entry in a blog that I'd like to share with you.

FROM DJ:
Ralph, one of my favorite quotes is by the poet Muriel Rukeyser: “The universe is made up of stories, not of atoms.” We have to tell the stories in which we become characters, willing or unwilling as we may be. And if you feel you can’t talk to someone, talk to yourself in a journal. I only find out what I’m truly thinking once I open my notebook and start scribbling. Sometimes, it’s not the cancers that kill, but the silences.

All the Best, Dana

— Ralph

Who Knew?

When you're going through a life altering experience, it is quite easy to become completely engulfed in your own suffering and misery, knowing for a fact that things could not be worse for anyone else. You become enveloped in a little bubble which tends to block other people out completely.

And I was pretty much the same during most of 2008. But in November of last year, a close friend's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. For the first time, I saw what it was like for the primary care-giver to deal with the 'cancer experience'. And it shocked me.

I had never really given much thought to what my mother (who was my primary care-giver) went through during my cancer experience. We talked about it only recently, and I found out that she had to face the fact that I may die, a truly scary thought for any parent. Couple that with the constant worry that I may catch a cold or a cough which could be life threatening given my low immunity levels, concern about my diet and that I was taking all the right medications, managing visitors, doctor's appointments, hospital bills, insurance details.... and of course, dealing with the inescapable grief - how could this happen to US???

When you hear of someone sick with a life threatening illness, you are overcome with pity and sympathy for the person who is suffering. But you don't always need to be sick to be the one that is suffering and in pain, or the one who is more in need of empathy and support.

Happy New Year

A very happy 2009 to each of you. It has been a year of so many ups and downs. The human spirit seems to triumph somehow. So I wish you the very best of your spirit but make sure you have a designated driver to take you home safely as you party. I write from America and send all my love.I am going to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" in a little while. And then I shall keep warm at home and bring in the New Year assisted by television!

Nirvana-just may be!

So here I am in the North West of America, far away from any Nirvana, as people shop for Christmas presents-in the final journey, the presents mostly end up in the junk yard. No Nirvana out here.

I am breaking away from all routine to write in. I have attended the Vippasana twice-the third one in Cutch was cut short as my friend's husband had a stroke in Austria. I felt more ready for my 3rd Vippasana and intend returning to it.

That PV chose to go into a 10 day long self relflecting mode in a very puritanical setting moved me into reappearing on the blog.

Some how in our race against time, we seem to have forgotten that a whole universe exists within us.

A merry Christmas to all of you. May I assume that post Vippasana PV will be partying ?

I end with every good wish and cheer.

Nirvana...not.

Every single one of the 250 women attending the Vipassana course along with me had a variety different reasons for being there. Some were repeating the experience for the 13th time, some for the 2nd or 3rd, and these were the women that had obviously benefited from it in the past . Or just suckers for punishment.
But a lot of the women were newbies like me. They were looking for 'the ultimate truth', healing of past hurt and misery, grieving a loss or just looking for some good old peace and quiet.

I am still not entirely sure why I went. But whatever I went looking for - I did not find it. Except for the peace and quiet of course, which I enjoyed immensely! In fact, I think more people should take to shutting up for long periods of time. The world would be a far happier place.
Instead, what I felt was like a ton of weight was lifted off me (in actuality, I only lost a few pounds). I was grinning and happy for no apparent reason. And truth be told, I have still not understood exactly how the technique works. But I know that it does, and for now, that's enough.

I'm not sure if the regular practice of meditation will happen, and I'm certain that the elation and initial euphoria will die down eventually, but for now - this is the most peaceful I have felt in a long, LONG time. I never dreamed I would find that in Igatpuri.

My suggestion - everyone give it one shot, if it's not for you, so be it. But it just might be the best thing you every did for ten days of your life.